We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
