i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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