six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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