My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
