True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
