Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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