i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You ate ashes out of my bong
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
