I heard we made out
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
