She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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