Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
