My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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