is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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