Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Randomize
