I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
