yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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