I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
