I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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