I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
