Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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