I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
