so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
3pm strippers are depressing
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
