What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
