I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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