Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
did you just send me my own nude
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
