someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
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