just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
