mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
