found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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