How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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