Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
