you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
cat food counts as protein by the way
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
