my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
