i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
