Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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