i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
