u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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