Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
