So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
