just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
