Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
