weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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