The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
