Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
