I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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