We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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