I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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