and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
