you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Hello my rib-scented angel!
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
