So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
