i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
