dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
