does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I didn't shave. On purpose
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
