Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
