Ketchup is God's man juice
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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