I feel great
I just peed on a car
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
